Tainted Love

What's not to like about a song? They're given to being short. They have a beginning and an end. And no "To-be-continued"s. Just a few short verses, a little conflict, maybe a message and, hopefully, an interesting close. Then a slight pause before another songs comes. There's a rhythm involved, not just to each song, but in between songs. There's a rhythm and a link through the whole collection.

I used to be one who, if the song...(you know we're talking about more than songs at this point, right?)...if the song wasn't my style, wasn't really interesting, wasn't in harmony with my emotions or thoughts, then it was discarded. And quickly. Not every song ends well, either. I'd avoid the ones I knew that wouldn't. And I never thought twice about it.

My rhythm and approach may have changed in between songs.

I'm currently seeing someone. And it's going to end badly. And it's going to be my fault. But right now, I'm willing to listen intently until the very end. Right now, I am simply enjoying the music. I'm learning to enjoy the music in spite of the ending, in spite of the message, in spite of the conflict, in spite of myself.

Too often I've ended it early, tested it on purpose, never started to begin with, or enjoyed only the few first moments with no future to be had beyond that night.

But this will be my fault completely and Contempt will be the reason. I have this man, and this book, to thank for at least knowing that. When one partner looks down on the other, no matter the reason or cause, it is THE predictor of a relationship's success.

I don't like that I do this. I don't like that the attitude emerges on inconsequential issues at inappropriate times. There's no animosity or vitriol with it. And there are so many things I do enjoy about her, I don't like that a knee-jerk reaction in minor moments is to think, "WTF?!" It happens too often to be overlooked for long. We both deserve better than that.

To be honest, I'd much rather write about sexy encounters or an exciting rendezvous. The unexpected beauty and wonderful tension are in those unsure moments where success and failure have an equal chance. But the scale has tipped, success on the losing end.

The only kind consolation is that this singer should be heard, her song should be sung. She is beautiful in the light. And I will listen as long as she sings until the very end.

Not Tonite

"You're not getting me alone tonite." And I meant it as I pulled her in.
"We rode together so I HAVE to go back to your place for my car," her whispers sounded logical.
"In that case, what I'll do is drive by your car, and slow down some, and you can just jump..." I shove her an arm's length away with a laugh, "...because you're not getting me alone tonite. And don't forget to roll when you hit, it'll help the fall." I didn't mean that.
"But you have to let me in, I have a present for you." I pulled her back in, "Damn, you're good." Well played, sister.

Things are spinning, anxiety is high and my nerves are really raw this week. I had taken a double dose of Fukitol. She wasn't getting me alone because she had already set a "rule" for number of dates before we could sleep together. (I understand a girl's point of view on this, but taking it off the table doesn't sit well with me. Something to do with withholding intimacy.) So yeah, didn't like that. Bad kitty. But drinking belgians at the end of a hard day with her there made my day through the ringer feel like weeks ago. That's good beer! And good company.

"You need to be careful with me," I whispered in her ear, "You could have me for a song tonite, and I can't have that. So you need to be very careful." I was playing the part of the wounded warrior because I felt it. Not because it was a ploy or a routine but because it was real. I can't take any more shit today, don't fucking toy with me.

"Are you using 'reverse psychology' on me?" she wondered outloud, squeezing my hand and smiling.
"No. I'm not." And I wasn't. I wasn't playing. I wasn't smiling. She would later say this was the reason she had to have me, the vunerability was a "major turn-on".

As we walked to the car with me still protesting that she wasn't getting me alone (I was! kidding now) , I pulled her into doorways for 5-second make-outs, lost count on how many. Then let her get back to her story about early morning meetings or a car dealership or something that was secondary to the subcontext of the moment.

Back at my place I told her, "Don't get comfy. Where's my present?" Her coat came off and she got comfy. A bottle of rum was given while her shoes came off, "Hope you like it." A hug of thanks exchanged. And we both got comfy. Then everything else came off.

Dating Philosophy: I want Gravity

Perhaps it's a good time to give an accounting of my dating philosophy. Why now? Well, it hasn't been recorded yet and last nite I had a really good date. If you plan to follow any future posts, knowing my approach might ease some confusion. Might. Because frankly, dear reader, (and I might lose you on this) I had a really good date which means...I need to date someone else.

That's right. Some. One. Else.

Alright, I can already see I'm moving too fast. Unless you have come to a similar realization (and I know one or two of you have) this is a brand new world. Welcome.

I didn't start out with this mentality. Like any idiotic fool romantic young lad, I fully believed the mantra: If you are a good person...and are nice to people...then eventually...you will find...the Right...someone. (I bet you could recite that along with me.)

Nothing could be further from the truth. There are so many holes in that boat, it hit rock bottom before the line was finished. Unless you still believe that, unless you still live that. In which case, it still hit rock bottom and you didn't even know it. And you need to keep reading.

When I said I needed to date someone else, I bet you made an assumption. I bet you thought I would end it and move on to someone else. I bet you assumed I would NOT see Ms. GD again. Nothing could be further from the truth. Which would mean...(c'mon, you can do it)...I would be dating...2?...people. Yeah! See that wasn't so hard. And actually, the answer is No. Most likely at least 2, but I don't want you spinning too much right now.

Dear Reader: "But if you like her, why would you date someone else?"

(Haha, you 're adorable! do you know that?) The reason is BECAUSE I could like her is why others should be added to the mix. You see when most people find someone whose company they enjoy they welcome that person in fully. They do more and more with them. They become comfortable. Their social skills start to rust. (Skills that are needed to keep that someone happy, btw.) The two become intertwined, incorporated, and fixated.

Not at first, but within a couple months/weeks/days, depending, life starts to revolve around that someone. For both people. Identities get mixed, friends get merged, Saturday nite is assumed ("What do you want to do?" "I don't know what do YOU want to do?") and toiletries men are not very familiar with start to appear in the bathroom OUT OF NOWHERE. (yes, that was a Seinfeld reference.)

From a certain perspective, this is romantic. I can see that. But there's no need to be so completely idiotic romantic about it. Here is A MAJOR POINT: I AM NOT HER SAVIOR. I am NOT her knight-in-shining-armour. I am not her tour director. I am NOT her moral compass, conscience or all-knowing spiritual guide.

I love it when a woman has her own life and is willing to share a part of that with me. I love that she has girl's nite out, don't even mind if she flirts with the bartender while she's there. I love that sewing/painting/grad school is on Wed nite which means we can't have dinner then but maybe I could see her after, she'll have to let me know. I love that she has a life! I love that she has HER life. And I love being included if only sometimes. (side note: being unavailable can amp attraction. She usually knows that, too. dammit!) So if I become her life, what exactly is she sharing? And what exactly am I being asked to fulfill?

When this takes place, and it too often does, date nite becomes ONE nite. If that. Coming over becomes lounging on the couch watching bad TV and eating worse food or vice versa, whatever. That, out of habit, is something I don't like. I'm not her savior, I'm her companion. (Love the poignancy of Def #4.) This is also why I don't let her do my laundry, clean my place, rearrange the furniture, reorganize the frig, redecorate the bath, etc. I'm not her savior, she's not my maid.

If I don't want her doing that to me, why would I do that to her? Why would I RISK doing that to her? Why would I risk HER identity, MY identity, HER life, MY life for a Hollywoodland empty-promise romantic payoff? Remember we're just DATING. Should it progress, that changes a-few things a-little, but I'd still want a woman who's got something other than me in her life. I imagine, she wants a man who has something other than her own life to offer back to her.

So, that's just point #1.

OK...so, why don't I just watch how much time we spend together?

Good question! Maybe. Because if I like spending time with her, I'm going to want to spend A LOT OF TIME with her. If I'm spending time with her, she's "wowed" me in some way. She's shown she is very different than anyone else. I'm going to want to do everything with her. In every way. I'm going to want to eat her up!

So now we're talking Intellectual vs. Emotional. You can think about it all day, but what you feel is going to win. Your intellect will kick in to justify those feelings. Emotion wins. Above I said most people will "welcome that person in fully". Guess what? I'M LIKE MOST PEOPLE! I'm not a unique snowflake, I'm a man. A guy. And any guy who digs a girl is going to want to be with that girl. And he will run through a brick wall to do it!

So now, I have an issue. I can either change my thinking or change my emotions. How well do you think that will work? You haven't completely disagreed with my points so far, have you? See what I mean.

Hmm, if only there was a third option. One that would equal my now one-sided focus. You see it now? Yep. Date another someone. And let me stop right here and make another MAJOR POINT: THE SECOND GIRL IS NOT "SECOND" IN ANY WAY.

I may have met her after, but that isn't to say she is any less beautiful, talented, inspiring or that my emotional reaction is any less than a genuine "Wow!" If she hasn't "wowed" me in some way, I'm not spending time with her. If there is a harsh approach here, it's THIS! I'm not going to spend time with someone in a romantic way if she has not turned my head and peaked my interest. I'd hope in this I'm not unlike every single person in the world. (though, unfortunately, I know that's not true.)

So now, we simply adhere to an old adage, the one with all the eggs in the basket. And even though I'm writing this from a male perspective, I think flipping the script and having a woman do this is an equally good idea. Keep that in mind. Having options allows for greater freedom and a greater appreciation of those options.

This is beneficial for a lot of ways. I now am NOT completely focused on one person, I can't be. I'm not always wondering what she's doing, what she wore today, how wonderful her perfume smells on the shoulder of my sweater (ok, maybe that one) I can't be so singularly focused. If I am, what happens? But I, literally, can NOT be. I have two people who I adore. I'm wondering about them both, which means I'm not fixated on EITHER.

And there is nothing like a boy-girl relationship to show you what you are lacking. If you care about yourself and use this as an opportunity to improve, you will have more than enough to work on. Social skills will be finely honed. Ability to keep and hold a connection will be of huge importance. And focusing on the power of now will be nothing less than life altering.

DR: "Oh, you sum-bitch, 2-timing, lying, good-for-nothin'..." Hold on, there Missy.

You just made another assumption. And maybe you shouldn't have. That assumption was...that I'm lying...that I'm cheating. That one girl doesn't know about the other. That isn't, or shouldn't, be the case. And I NEVER, EVER advocate lying, cheating, sleeping with someone if the other person you are seeing does NOT know that is a possibility!

Obviously, any boy OR GIRL will be careful in the DETAILS they divulge if there is sexual contact. That's what blogging's for! (I soo hope you know that's what the kids call "a joke".) No, even that intimate act shouldn't be withheld. If you're mature enough to handle it, you should be mature enough to share. And mature enough to be "protected" for everyone's sake.

OK, inventory check, what do we have? An amazing girl I really like. And a different and equally amazing girl I really like. Both of whom know this and both of whom know I am social and am dating. That's it.

If something changes in the equation, everything changes. If the relationship progresses and needs to go deeper, then a decision has to be made. But nothing in life is set forever. Nothing but change is permanent.

Remember the original issue: I know a girl I could like and I don't want to ruin that by becoming less social, less flexible, less open. I'd like for us to have fun. I'd like to keep that fun light-hearted. I'd like to keep that time as something we look forward to, not something that is a given. Not something that has no tension, pull or passion. I want Gravity. And I also want to fly.