Tuesday, November 25, 2008

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Welcome to the inner thoughts of a single man. Not always pretty, not always honorable. Yet, there it is. This is something that happened over the summer. Worst part of the night was the Laker loss. Still, if you wanna know me, you oughta know this:

What a great nite! This is gonna be fun! Tonite I'll be having a bachelor dinner with the guys from the office. It'll be fun 'cause the guys at my office are fun. And every person that comes across me tonite will have fun. Especially the hot brunette at the bar. Little does she know.

I sit down next to my coworker, which just happens to be right next to a beautiful girl. This is a non-decision. I have a good time with my coworkers/friends who are just as fun/bizarre/crazy/solid as me. Like minds, you know. I become the Leader of Men. Jokes, pats on the back, scotch, laughs. "Scotch, I didn't know you drink scotch, nice choice, my man."

Girl is talkin' to the bartender, friendly gal, a simple opener should do it. Girl to bartender: "I'm just up here for a visit. My first time in DC, been here a week."
Really? That'll do. Over the shoulder so you don't convey interest, Me: "So what have you learned in a week?"
Her: Blah, blah, blah, Louisiana, blah, blah, massage school, blah, blah, friends in Crystal City. Massage, huh?
Me: "What's a good movement for the shoulders? I used to play college baseball and..."
Her: blah, blah, pressure points, blah, blah,
"Right here, oh sorry it's hard to show you without putting my hands on you."
Indeed.

"Alright, I'm havin' dinner with the guys tonite, nice to meet you. Have a good nite." Body lean, turn away, make it look like the idea was just a second thought, "Hey, if ur not up to much later, I'm meeting some friends by the waterfront, if you've never been it can be a lot of fun. Here, put ur number in my phone and I'll call if I'm free." Didn't ask, didn't beg.

Girl: "I'm givin' you my number and I don't even know your name..." I'm (me). "I'm Natalee...(yeah, I'm usin' her name. Patience young Skywalker.) You're not gonna stalk me are you?"
Me: "Girl, you're from Louisiana. I'm not gonna make the effort to stalk you. I'm not that dedicated. Here smile for a picture." Wow, where did that come from, dude. Harsh. Smooth. Perfect.

Dinner was fun, too many laughs covering every man topic there is: Strippers, Vegas, yard work, marriage, porn stars, etc. "Dude, I had no idea! You picked up a hooker in Vegas!" "Yeah, I had no idea either! When I found out I was pissed!" Damn, that's harsh. That would suck.

Alright, let's text this girlie and gauge the nite.
Me: "Great meetin' ya, lookin forward to hearin' a true southern accent latr. Prob around 10."
Natalee: "And youWho is this again?"
Me:"Oh, u done forgot our talk on massage n LA n z Capitol of the South already? My southrn sensibilities is almost offended. A drink and a free massage may help. "
Phone rings. Hon, I ain't answering, I'm with friends.

N text: "I'm sorry, I don't store numbers,." Hmm, never met a girl that does that.
Me:"I'll forgive u this time. Man, work guys are dirty off the clock. U may have to save me." Little test of with the dirty, start role play, ramp it a little.

Now back to my friends. "Who brought the blow up doll?!" "Oh, shit. I thought this was a FAMILY restaurant!" "Don't pass her around the table. Great, and now EVERYONE in the place is lookin', you guys are nuts!" "Wow, our cute waitress likes it."

Me txt'n Nat: "OMG! U got to save me. We may get kicked out! Meet me back @ Papa Razi, u can buy me that drink n we can go 2 z watrfrnt from here."
N:"Me buy u a drink? What country are u from, lol."
Me: "U offended my soutern sensebilities. "
N: "Where u goin', didn't u wanna hang out?" We will, we will.
N: "Call me. Stop txt." Nice, I will when I! want to. You need to wait a little.

Dinner's over, great time! Lakers up by 21. This is an awesome nite! I call Natalee, "Hey, were goin' to Mr. Smith's. If u wanna meet me there. I'm plannin' on making a token visit and going to the waterfront to meet some friends."
N:"I'm waiting for a friend on the other side of M St, she's running late..."
Me: "alright, well, you know where to find me, if not whatev..." Make her feel loss.
N: "Well, I have to wait for my friend..."
Me: "Alright, I'll call u in 20 and see where it stands then. Later."

20 minutes pass, I didn't even notice. Lakers by 24. Man, Mr. Smith's is rockin', live sing-a-long. Fun. 40 min past. I don't really want to call. She can wait. Hour and 5. Lakers by 15. They better not let them get close. Me: "Hey, Nat! We're havin' fun, where u at? Your friend ever show?"
N:"No, she's still late"
Me: "Well, guys are startin' to leave, I'm thinkin' about..."
N: "Hey, look across the corner!"

Damn, she's tall and wearin' those jeans OUT! Better than I remembered. Great legs, those have to be full Cs. And she has no idea. Well, by now, she has some idea. Girl, ur lookin' too fine, ur givin' me a hug, "Hey!"

Natalee and I head inside, bouncer knows me know. Thanks, big guy. She's lookin' for her ID. Yeah, make sure she's legal for me will ya. Shit, Lakers are TIED?! They can pull this out, stay calm boys. Nat still can't find her ID, Big Man doesn't know me THAT well. Great jeans. Long legs. Wow. Is that a pushup bra? Oh, well, no ID we can still hit the waterfront.

Me:"Guess, it's not so bad you're 17!"
N:"I'm not 17! You're too much."
Haha, welcome to the fun.

We start walkin'. Natalee: "Who were you rooting for in the game?" Haha, which game? The one on TV or the one we're playin' right now.
Me: "Alright girl, the answer to this question could very well determine the future of our relationship, u ready...Celtics or Lakers?"
N:"I asked u first!" God, she's got great big brown eyes, too. My weakness.
Me: "Lakers! And I thought a girl from LA (what natives call Louisiana) would be rooting for LA!"
N: "I SO am! See, I wore yellow!" God, they ARE C's.

Me:"You're a fun girl!" And killer heels too, with jeans, that's a step above.
Turn the corner down Wisconsin. I can see my great parking spot from here. What a good nite, this could be a killer nite.
Natalee: "So you want a free massage, huh?"
Me: "I'm not going to turn one down. Yeah, I'd love a massage."
N: Soft hand on my back, "That'll depend on if ur alright with me."

?, ?, ?! I knew it when her hand touched my back. No way, no fucking way! I've heard my friend's story for the first time tonite. Now, I'm him. No way is right, there's no way this is right. And there's no doubt in my mind what comes next.

Natalee: "I charge $300 for the first hour, but depending..." This is a NON-decision, hon. I'll let u finish though, "...on how wild you wanna get, it can be up to..."

Me: "And, this...this is where our nite ends." Decisive, strong, authoritative.

She was no longer hot, she's pitiful. More sad and sorry than the panhandlers we casually past by on M St.

Me: Body lean away, look dead in the eyes, "I enjoyed talking to you. Really did. (pause for effect) Have a good nite." Turn to leave. There won't be a second thought. Get home in time to see the Lakers lose by 6.

When you put yourself out there, you are takin' a chance. The other option is to stay at home and NOT interact. That's not such a great long-term option. But there was no chance in hell, beautiful, long-legged, brown-eyed, Natalee from "Louisiana" was going home with me. I'm sure some other guy wasn't so lucky. No judgements, no regrets. Sometimes the player, gets played.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Maybe I'm Amazed

I am continually and genuinely AMAZED when a self-proclaimed, or friend-endorsed, "incredible" woman becomes fixated and stagnant in her approach to dating.

Mind you, it's the same woman who will jump the line, take the last sesame bagel, yell at bad drivers, squeeze into the subway as the doors are closing, etc. never thinking twice, all while smiling and subtly flaunting her power. AND I LOVE IT!!! Infuriates sometimes, yes, but, dammit, I love her for it. She makes things happen.

So when that same woman sits and laments nothing is "happening" in her love life, it's, frankly, nothing less than sad. What if that same ferocity and grace used to steal my cab were set to find companionship or even love?

I bet it would be amazing. I bet it would be epic. I bet it would be something worth writing and sharing and penning for all time. What power, what grace, what strength. What a woman!

Instead of saying "Hang on, it'll happen" (which is the WORST advice anywhere in the world, BTW) I say simply: If "he" hasn't come into your life, maybe, right now, you aren't the woman "he" wants. You don't need to change, you may need to improve.

There are many "he"s out there waiting to see that kind of woman in action. The good ones will grab her, the great ones will never let her go.

Ain't No Use

"Ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe,
If you don't know by now.
And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe,
It'll never do somehow.
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn,
Look out your window, I'll be gone.
You're the reason I'm a-travelin' on.
Don't think twice, it's alright." -Bob Dylan