How I Can Just Kill a Man

Every year, I choose a word and do my best to add the many aspects and perspectives contained in it. This year's word is "Fierce."

I am reading this book, it was an x-mas gift. This line stopped me in my tracks and echoed for the next few days: "Like it or not, there is something fierce in the heart of every man." And there SHOULD be!

Looking at men, especially in the city, I don't often see it. Yelling at cabbies, although fun, doesn't count. Being pissy with a waiter, doesn't count. Pointing fingers out of daily frustrations, doesn't count. Fierce is all together different than these.

Even at our earliest, something fierce in the heart can be seen. I have a nephew who is 10 months old. He has been a near angel. Yet the other day, he showed a bit of what is in that little heart of his. While standing atop a conquered stair, he growled. He didn't whine, he didn't cry, he didn't scream. He growled. Like victors do. Like warriors do. Like MEN do. He may be adorable doing it, but that doesn't negate he is already fighting to one day be a man.

It's a trait that has served man well for centuries. He's explored because of it. He's conquered because of it. He's changed his world because of it. We would not be where we are without it.

I've been contemplating this topic for the past couple months. There is something fierce in the heart of every man. When it is ignored, everyone pays the price. I am saddened for my sisters in the city who often complain about finding a "real" man. I'm mildly frustrated at the boys in the city when I see opportunities to step up are discarded as a matter of habit or lack of understanding.

When that something fierce is acknowledged, when that force of will is displayed, society opens doors. Doors that most don't believe exist, let alone can be opened by counter-intuitive means. As one who has been on both sides, I can confidently attest there is a HUGE difference in his life when a man chooses to live as a powerful man.

Many men I meet and friends I know don't want to offend anyone or be offended by anyone. They are putting a lot of effort into making no waves, content on showing up and hoping "something" will happen. Showing up at work and hoping a raise or advancement will come. Showing up at a bar or club and hoping they meet someone. Every month or so, showing up on a date and hoping something happens. Sure, one does have to show up, it's the hoping instead of determined effort that disappoints me.

There is a disconnect between men and society and men and themselves, for that matter. You don't have to dig deep to see the appeal of Tyler Durden or Don Draper. My approach changed when I came to understand I'm NOT as nice as I would like, or would like you, to believe. There is something fierce in my heart. It is there to help me protect and provide for those around me, those in my life, and those I love.

After many years of trying to be "the nice guy" it's about time that label is dropped and a new one is claimed. It's about time I stop running from the truth that has always been there. It's about time to turn, to face, to look in the eyes of all those things that deny what has been there from the earliest. Like it or not, there is something fierce in the heart of every man. Like it or not, there is something fierce in MY heart.

Darkness on the Edge of Town

"I'm going to take this off," I whisper to her. She pauses in silence, then agrees in quiet surrender, "ok." If my mind were to wander, I would think of all the reasons this is not right: Her friend I was with too recently, the people at work and the potential damage to us both, the age difference alone is startling!

But she is here because she wants to be. And because I want her to be. I kiss her and hope she can feel all I am thinking about her. She is beautiful, she is kind, she is warm, she is thrilling, she is soft. And she is now nude. She kisses back as if it were an echo. Then laughs softly. She is nude, but she is not naked. No one wants to be naked.

A friend recently called me out on this. I often explain my ideas, thoughts, experiences and encouragements and think I am revealing a great deal about myself. Hell, I even blog! But I am never naked. With anyone.

As I type, she is in my bed. Asleep and warm. I can't sleep. I'm in the dark. On a couch in front of a screen wondering how such an enjoyable, intimate exercise isn't able to touch everywhere. Maybe it shouldn't. Maybe it takes time. Maybe we have to both want more. Maybe I am what I am. Maybe time will tell. Maybe this time will tell.

All I know is, right now, I feel far more naked than I did tonight.

Drift Away

"You know, I usually don't pick up 'strangers' at 3am," I said.

She knew I was full of shit from a nite of teasing, "Har, har. Technically we're not 'strangers' since we've been drinking together all nite." Now that's what I like to hear, "Hop in."

By this point, all the dancing was done. She knew why I stopped, I knew why she got in. We're both on auto-pilot. And it feels unbelievably good.

The nite started with me at work in the restaurant. When dinner is done, the music goes up and the lites go down. That's when the fun begins and the serious good-time folks come out. Even among them, she stood out. Ivory-soap skin, bright blue eyes, little frame; you'd think she was a just a pretty girl-next-door type. Except for the look in those bright blue eyes. That look betrayed her intentions and gave me mine.

Blue Eyes is the friend of a super-cute coworker of mine with the same description. But I look like hell, 16-hr days don't agree with me. Fatigue, and whiskey, lowers inhibitions and kills the bug up my @ss. My hand on her soft, warm hip helps the other 16 hours to drift away.

Restaurants can be so incestuous and Coworker is new, but easily fits in. She's got her eye on a male coworker who is clueless. I'm not. Blue Eyes is not and she's got a plan. "Has he kissed her yet?" she asks me. "How should I know? Who the hell are you again?" She continues, "He NEEDS to kiss her."

Seeing Blue Eyes is more concerned with her friend's success than her own, I decide to help it along a little. I wait for the right time and pull Clueless aside to share BE's thoughts on the matter. "Really?!" he asked, he wasn't sure, but he got the picture. And I got bonus points only BE could see.

Fast forward a couple venues, Blue Eyes and I are getting comfy with the ebb and flow. I have to make the rounds and so I leave to work the room. But I make sure to check back on her fun. This also completely blows out any boys who are hoping she'll like them.

I know Blue Eyes is out to have a fun nite and she is, go-on girl. I make my way around the room, yet for some reason it feels like I'm setting up the entire room for what I'm sure will happen later. I talk to a couple friends, bartender, security, dude with the bad-ass jacket, cute girl from India, all's well. And FINALLY Clueless has kissed Coworker. And they haven't stopped in 20mins.

Hmm, it looks like Blue Eyes is exchanging numbers with some guy. No biggie. Did you happen to catch the look in her eye, kid? You've been talking for 15 mins and she wanted a kiss in 2. I kinda feel bad for him. And her! because I already know how that's going to go down. But I was more curious to see what other guys COULD do and WOULD do with her. I felt like a teacher watching a student fuck up a project. At any time, I can step in and finish what you're flailing away trying to do.

I get a text to go next door. Deal. And I'm gone. Coworker and Clueless are lip locked. Blue Eyes is watching the continuous disaster that is in front of her, it could go on for hours and it's not going anywhere. (This is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine sure to be discussed in detail at a later time.) Right now, I'm out the door to see a couple friends.

Once I bounce back, everyone is gone. It's 3am, what'd you expect?! Hmm, guess I lost out, oh well. But, for some reason, I don't believe it. Not for a second.

Still, I'm walking to my car alone. Tired, happy, buzzed and tired. (Yeah, tired x 2.) Behind the wheel, all I want is my bed and sleep. That's it. No thought of what else the nite could have been. It was a good nite.

When...what's this? Someone walking home alone? A girl alone in this 'hood? I think I recognize that hat. Yeah, I've already studied that walk. Earlier in the nite it was a prance. Sadly, it's less enthusiastic now.

Until I slow the car a half block ahead of her. Until she jogs to the passenger side. The spring in her step and knowing smile are now back where they belong.

"You know, I don't usually pickup 'strangers' at 3am."

I Am Woman

"...Hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore..."
Why the HELL did I wake up singing that?! I'm NOT a woman. I haven't heard that song in years. I don't even know any other words in it! But I do know the mind is a great problem solver and maybe it has a little to do with Miss Marathon. Because Miss Marathon has a lot to do with my quandary.

You know I am continuously amazed. And I was yet again this weekend. After a long bike ride, I went over to MM's place. (She is a good friend and nothing more, dear reader.) She had recently done some redecorating and I was playfully critiquing it using the ancient principles of Feng Shui.

I teasingly pointed out her "Wealth and Career" area was pristine. Her "Friends and Family" was spotless. But, ah! "What's this?" I said, "Your Love and Marriage is a complete mess!" You know, sometimes a big brother's teasing hits a soft spot. She melted.

As we talked, she shared I was indeed right, her love life was a mess and she was losing hope "it" was going to happen. While I listened, all I could think of was, "NO! No, no no, no no, no no NO!"

MM is one of those strong women truly worthy of a man's attention, love and respect. She is also someone who routinely kicks my ass. On the ski slope. On most any topic of discussion. She had just done it on a bike 15 minutes earlier! Yet crumbled in seconds. And my heart went out to her.

Sadly, I don't think this is just her issue. The more I talk about this, the more I realize this issue is common for both men and women. I'm dumbfounded. And I'm concerned.

If I were to ask who initiates the interaction in a relationship, what would the answer be; Men or Women? OK, now if I were to ask to what percent? 50%, 60%, 70%, more? Got an answer? Are you sure? Don't bet on it.

Ninety percent of ALL interaction is initiated by women. 90%! That percentage holds true for birds, for bees, for you and all of nature. Even though we are fully autonomous, civilized, college educated, etc. We are still subject to the laws of nature.

Typical interaction: Female sees Male of Interest, she chooses to send signals of interest, male picks up those signals and flies across the barn, walks across the field or tries looking cool while approaching on the dance floor, and the interaction begins. (Men often get credit for the initiation because they are the ones who PHYSICALLY moved toward the female, but it was HER signals that started it.)

If there were only one rule to attraction I could express it's this: Women Choose.

What does this mean for Miss Marathon and numbers too big to ignore? It means control over "it" happening is in her hands. Focusing on fashion is fun, but secondary. Being "that kind of girl" isn't necessary. Just as lamenting no one is approaching is a waste of time and effort because you won't get back either. Realize your power and learn to use it. For good or bad is up to you. ;)

To my fellow boys I say: Learn what a female signal of interest is. And when you recognize one, move toward her. Birds do it without thinking twice.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Welcome to the inner thoughts of a single man. Not always pretty, not always honorable. Yet, there it is. This is something that happened over the summer. Worst part of the night was the Laker loss. Still, if you wanna know me, you oughta know this:

What a great nite! This is gonna be fun! Tonite I'll be having a bachelor dinner with the guys from the office. It'll be fun 'cause the guys at my office are fun. And every person that comes across me tonite will have fun. Especially the hot brunette at the bar. Little does she know.

I sit down next to my coworker, which just happens to be right next to a beautiful girl. This is a non-decision. I have a good time with my coworkers/friends who are just as fun/bizarre/crazy/solid as me. Like minds, you know. I become the Leader of Men. Jokes, pats on the back, scotch, laughs. "Scotch, I didn't know you drink scotch, nice choice, my man."

Girl is talkin' to the bartender, friendly gal, a simple opener should do it. Girl to bartender: "I'm just up here for a visit. My first time in DC, been here a week."
Really? That'll do. Over the shoulder so you don't convey interest, Me: "So what have you learned in a week?"
Her: Blah, blah, blah, Louisiana, blah, blah, massage school, blah, blah, friends in Crystal City. Massage, huh?
Me: "What's a good movement for the shoulders? I used to play college baseball and..."
Her: blah, blah, pressure points, blah, blah,
"Right here, oh sorry it's hard to show you without putting my hands on you."
Indeed.

"Alright, I'm havin' dinner with the guys tonite, nice to meet you. Have a good nite." Body lean, turn away, make it look like the idea was just a second thought, "Hey, if ur not up to much later, I'm meeting some friends by the waterfront, if you've never been it can be a lot of fun. Here, put ur number in my phone and I'll call if I'm free." Didn't ask, didn't beg.

Girl: "I'm givin' you my number and I don't even know your name..." I'm (me). "I'm Natalee...(yeah, I'm usin' her name. Patience young Skywalker.) You're not gonna stalk me are you?"
Me: "Girl, you're from Louisiana. I'm not gonna make the effort to stalk you. I'm not that dedicated. Here smile for a picture." Wow, where did that come from, dude. Harsh. Smooth. Perfect.

Dinner was fun, too many laughs covering every man topic there is: Strippers, Vegas, yard work, marriage, porn stars, etc. "Dude, I had no idea! You picked up a hooker in Vegas!" "Yeah, I had no idea either! When I found out I was pissed!" Damn, that's harsh. That would suck.

Alright, let's text this girlie and gauge the nite.
Me: "Great meetin' ya, lookin forward to hearin' a true southern accent latr. Prob around 10."
Natalee: "And youWho is this again?"
Me:"Oh, u done forgot our talk on massage n LA n z Capitol of the South already? My southrn sensibilities is almost offended. A drink and a free massage may help. "
Phone rings. Hon, I ain't answering, I'm with friends.

N text: "I'm sorry, I don't store numbers,." Hmm, never met a girl that does that.
Me:"I'll forgive u this time. Man, work guys are dirty off the clock. U may have to save me." Little test of with the dirty, start role play, ramp it a little.

Now back to my friends. "Who brought the blow up doll?!" "Oh, shit. I thought this was a FAMILY restaurant!" "Don't pass her around the table. Great, and now EVERYONE in the place is lookin', you guys are nuts!" "Wow, our cute waitress likes it."

Me txt'n Nat: "OMG! U got to save me. We may get kicked out! Meet me back @ Papa Razi, u can buy me that drink n we can go 2 z watrfrnt from here."
N:"Me buy u a drink? What country are u from, lol."
Me: "U offended my soutern sensebilities. "
N: "Where u goin', didn't u wanna hang out?" We will, we will.
N: "Call me. Stop txt." Nice, I will when I! want to. You need to wait a little.

Dinner's over, great time! Lakers up by 21. This is an awesome nite! I call Natalee, "Hey, were goin' to Mr. Smith's. If u wanna meet me there. I'm plannin' on making a token visit and going to the waterfront to meet some friends."
N:"I'm waiting for a friend on the other side of M St, she's running late..."
Me: "alright, well, you know where to find me, if not whatev..." Make her feel loss.
N: "Well, I have to wait for my friend..."
Me: "Alright, I'll call u in 20 and see where it stands then. Later."

20 minutes pass, I didn't even notice. Lakers by 24. Man, Mr. Smith's is rockin', live sing-a-long. Fun. 40 min past. I don't really want to call. She can wait. Hour and 5. Lakers by 15. They better not let them get close. Me: "Hey, Nat! We're havin' fun, where u at? Your friend ever show?"
N:"No, she's still late"
Me: "Well, guys are startin' to leave, I'm thinkin' about..."
N: "Hey, look across the corner!"

Damn, she's tall and wearin' those jeans OUT! Better than I remembered. Great legs, those have to be full Cs. And she has no idea. Well, by now, she has some idea. Girl, ur lookin' too fine, ur givin' me a hug, "Hey!"

Natalee and I head inside, bouncer knows me know. Thanks, big guy. She's lookin' for her ID. Yeah, make sure she's legal for me will ya. Shit, Lakers are TIED?! They can pull this out, stay calm boys. Nat still can't find her ID, Big Man doesn't know me THAT well. Great jeans. Long legs. Wow. Is that a pushup bra? Oh, well, no ID we can still hit the waterfront.

Me:"Guess, it's not so bad you're 17!"
N:"I'm not 17! You're too much."
Haha, welcome to the fun.

We start walkin'. Natalee: "Who were you rooting for in the game?" Haha, which game? The one on TV or the one we're playin' right now.
Me: "Alright girl, the answer to this question could very well determine the future of our relationship, u ready...Celtics or Lakers?"
N:"I asked u first!" God, she's got great big brown eyes, too. My weakness.
Me: "Lakers! And I thought a girl from LA (what natives call Louisiana) would be rooting for LA!"
N: "I SO am! See, I wore yellow!" God, they ARE C's.

Me:"You're a fun girl!" And killer heels too, with jeans, that's a step above.
Turn the corner down Wisconsin. I can see my great parking spot from here. What a good nite, this could be a killer nite.
Natalee: "So you want a free massage, huh?"
Me: "I'm not going to turn one down. Yeah, I'd love a massage."
N: Soft hand on my back, "That'll depend on if ur alright with me."

?, ?, ?! I knew it when her hand touched my back. No way, no fucking way! I've heard my friend's story for the first time tonite. Now, I'm him. No way is right, there's no way this is right. And there's no doubt in my mind what comes next.

Natalee: "I charge $300 for the first hour, but depending..." This is a NON-decision, hon. I'll let u finish though, "...on how wild you wanna get, it can be up to..."

Me: "And, this...this is where our nite ends." Decisive, strong, authoritative.

She was no longer hot, she's pitiful. More sad and sorry than the panhandlers we casually past by on M St.

Me: Body lean away, look dead in the eyes, "I enjoyed talking to you. Really did. (pause for effect) Have a good nite." Turn to leave. There won't be a second thought. Get home in time to see the Lakers lose by 6.

When you put yourself out there, you are takin' a chance. The other option is to stay at home and NOT interact. That's not such a great long-term option. But there was no chance in hell, beautiful, long-legged, brown-eyed, Natalee from "Louisiana" was going home with me. I'm sure some other guy wasn't so lucky. No judgements, no regrets. Sometimes the player, gets played.

Maybe I'm Amazed

I am continually and genuinely AMAZED when a self-proclaimed, or friend-endorsed, "incredible" woman becomes fixated and stagnant in her approach to dating.

Mind you, it's the same woman who will jump the line, take the last sesame bagel, yell at bad drivers, squeeze into the subway as the doors are closing, etc. never thinking twice, all while smiling and subtly flaunting her power. AND I LOVE IT!!! Infuriates sometimes, yes, but, dammit, I love her for it. She makes things happen.

So when that same woman sits and laments nothing is "happening" in her love life, it's, frankly, nothing less than sad. What if that same ferocity and grace used to steal my cab were set to find companionship or even love?

I bet it would be amazing. I bet it would be epic. I bet it would be something worth writing and sharing and penning for all time. What power, what grace, what strength. What a woman!

Instead of saying "Hang on, it'll happen" (which is the WORST advice anywhere in the world, BTW) I say simply: If "he" hasn't come into your life, maybe, right now, you aren't the woman "he" wants. You don't need to change, you may need to improve.

There are many "he"s out there waiting to see that kind of woman in action. The good ones will grab her, the great ones will never let her go.

Ain't No Use

"Ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe,
If you don't know by now.
And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe,
It'll never do somehow.
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn,
Look out your window, I'll be gone.
You're the reason I'm a-travelin' on.
Don't think twice, it's alright." -Bob Dylan