How I Can Just Kill a Man

Every year, I choose a word and do my best to add the many aspects and perspectives contained in it. This year's word is "Fierce."

I am reading this book, it was an x-mas gift. This line stopped me in my tracks and echoed for the next few days: "Like it or not, there is something fierce in the heart of every man." And there SHOULD be!

Looking at men, especially in the city, I don't often see it. Yelling at cabbies, although fun, doesn't count. Being pissy with a waiter, doesn't count. Pointing fingers out of daily frustrations, doesn't count. Fierce is all together different than these.

Even at our earliest, something fierce in the heart can be seen. I have a nephew who is 10 months old. He has been a near angel. Yet the other day, he showed a bit of what is in that little heart of his. While standing atop a conquered stair, he growled. He didn't whine, he didn't cry, he didn't scream. He growled. Like victors do. Like warriors do. Like MEN do. He may be adorable doing it, but that doesn't negate he is already fighting to one day be a man.

It's a trait that has served man well for centuries. He's explored because of it. He's conquered because of it. He's changed his world because of it. We would not be where we are without it.

I've been contemplating this topic for the past couple months. There is something fierce in the heart of every man. When it is ignored, everyone pays the price. I am saddened for my sisters in the city who often complain about finding a "real" man. I'm mildly frustrated at the boys in the city when I see opportunities to step up are discarded as a matter of habit or lack of understanding.

When that something fierce is acknowledged, when that force of will is displayed, society opens doors. Doors that most don't believe exist, let alone can be opened by counter-intuitive means. As one who has been on both sides, I can confidently attest there is a HUGE difference in his life when a man chooses to live as a powerful man.

Many men I meet and friends I know don't want to offend anyone or be offended by anyone. They are putting a lot of effort into making no waves, content on showing up and hoping "something" will happen. Showing up at work and hoping a raise or advancement will come. Showing up at a bar or club and hoping they meet someone. Every month or so, showing up on a date and hoping something happens. Sure, one does have to show up, it's the hoping instead of determined effort that disappoints me.

There is a disconnect between men and society and men and themselves, for that matter. You don't have to dig deep to see the appeal of Tyler Durden or Don Draper. My approach changed when I came to understand I'm NOT as nice as I would like, or would like you, to believe. There is something fierce in my heart. It is there to help me protect and provide for those around me, those in my life, and those I love.

After many years of trying to be "the nice guy" it's about time that label is dropped and a new one is claimed. It's about time I stop running from the truth that has always been there. It's about time to turn, to face, to look in the eyes of all those things that deny what has been there from the earliest. Like it or not, there is something fierce in the heart of every man. Like it or not, there is something fierce in MY heart.

Darkness on the Edge of Town

"I'm going to take this off," I whisper to her. She pauses in silence, then agrees in quiet surrender, "ok." If my mind were to wander, I would think of all the reasons this is not right: Her friend I was with too recently, the people at work and the potential damage to us both, the age difference alone is startling!

But she is here because she wants to be. And because I want her to be. I kiss her and hope she can feel all I am thinking about her. She is beautiful, she is kind, she is warm, she is thrilling, she is soft. And she is now nude. She kisses back as if it were an echo. Then laughs softly. She is nude, but she is not naked. No one wants to be naked.

A friend recently called me out on this. I often explain my ideas, thoughts, experiences and encouragements and think I am revealing a great deal about myself. Hell, I even blog! But I am never naked. With anyone.

As I type, she is in my bed. Asleep and warm. I can't sleep. I'm in the dark. On a couch in front of a screen wondering how such an enjoyable, intimate exercise isn't able to touch everywhere. Maybe it shouldn't. Maybe it takes time. Maybe we have to both want more. Maybe I am what I am. Maybe time will tell. Maybe this time will tell.

All I know is, right now, I feel far more naked than I did tonight.

Drift Away

"You know, I usually don't pick up 'strangers' at 3am," I said.

She knew I was full of shit from a nite of teasing, "Har, har. Technically we're not 'strangers' since we've been drinking together all nite." Now that's what I like to hear, "Hop in."

By this point, all the dancing was done. She knew why I stopped, I knew why she got in. We're both on auto-pilot. And it feels unbelievably good.

The nite started with me at work in the restaurant. When dinner is done, the music goes up and the lites go down. That's when the fun begins and the serious good-time folks come out. Even among them, she stood out. Ivory-soap skin, bright blue eyes, little frame; you'd think she was a just a pretty girl-next-door type. Except for the look in those bright blue eyes. That look betrayed her intentions and gave me mine.

Blue Eyes is the friend of a super-cute coworker of mine with the same description. But I look like hell, 16-hr days don't agree with me. Fatigue, and whiskey, lowers inhibitions and kills the bug up my @ss. My hand on her soft, warm hip helps the other 16 hours to drift away.

Restaurants can be so incestuous and Coworker is new, but easily fits in. She's got her eye on a male coworker who is clueless. I'm not. Blue Eyes is not and she's got a plan. "Has he kissed her yet?" she asks me. "How should I know? Who the hell are you again?" She continues, "He NEEDS to kiss her."

Seeing Blue Eyes is more concerned with her friend's success than her own, I decide to help it along a little. I wait for the right time and pull Clueless aside to share BE's thoughts on the matter. "Really?!" he asked, he wasn't sure, but he got the picture. And I got bonus points only BE could see.

Fast forward a couple venues, Blue Eyes and I are getting comfy with the ebb and flow. I have to make the rounds and so I leave to work the room. But I make sure to check back on her fun. This also completely blows out any boys who are hoping she'll like them.

I know Blue Eyes is out to have a fun nite and she is, go-on girl. I make my way around the room, yet for some reason it feels like I'm setting up the entire room for what I'm sure will happen later. I talk to a couple friends, bartender, security, dude with the bad-ass jacket, cute girl from India, all's well. And FINALLY Clueless has kissed Coworker. And they haven't stopped in 20mins.

Hmm, it looks like Blue Eyes is exchanging numbers with some guy. No biggie. Did you happen to catch the look in her eye, kid? You've been talking for 15 mins and she wanted a kiss in 2. I kinda feel bad for him. And her! because I already know how that's going to go down. But I was more curious to see what other guys COULD do and WOULD do with her. I felt like a teacher watching a student fuck up a project. At any time, I can step in and finish what you're flailing away trying to do.

I get a text to go next door. Deal. And I'm gone. Coworker and Clueless are lip locked. Blue Eyes is watching the continuous disaster that is in front of her, it could go on for hours and it's not going anywhere. (This is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine sure to be discussed in detail at a later time.) Right now, I'm out the door to see a couple friends.

Once I bounce back, everyone is gone. It's 3am, what'd you expect?! Hmm, guess I lost out, oh well. But, for some reason, I don't believe it. Not for a second.

Still, I'm walking to my car alone. Tired, happy, buzzed and tired. (Yeah, tired x 2.) Behind the wheel, all I want is my bed and sleep. That's it. No thought of what else the nite could have been. It was a good nite.

When...what's this? Someone walking home alone? A girl alone in this 'hood? I think I recognize that hat. Yeah, I've already studied that walk. Earlier in the nite it was a prance. Sadly, it's less enthusiastic now.

Until I slow the car a half block ahead of her. Until she jogs to the passenger side. The spring in her step and knowing smile are now back where they belong.

"You know, I don't usually pickup 'strangers' at 3am."

I Am Woman

"...Hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore..."
Why the HELL did I wake up singing that?! I'm NOT a woman. I haven't heard that song in years. I don't even know any other words in it! But I do know the mind is a great problem solver and maybe it has a little to do with Miss Marathon. Because Miss Marathon has a lot to do with my quandary.

You know I am continuously amazed. And I was yet again this weekend. After a long bike ride, I went over to MM's place. (She is a good friend and nothing more, dear reader.) She had recently done some redecorating and I was playfully critiquing it using the ancient principles of Feng Shui.

I teasingly pointed out her "Wealth and Career" area was pristine. Her "Friends and Family" was spotless. But, ah! "What's this?" I said, "Your Love and Marriage is a complete mess!" You know, sometimes a big brother's teasing hits a soft spot. She melted.

As we talked, she shared I was indeed right, her love life was a mess and she was losing hope "it" was going to happen. While I listened, all I could think of was, "NO! No, no no, no no, no no NO!"

MM is one of those strong women truly worthy of a man's attention, love and respect. She is also someone who routinely kicks my ass. On the ski slope. On most any topic of discussion. She had just done it on a bike 15 minutes earlier! Yet crumbled in seconds. And my heart went out to her.

Sadly, I don't think this is just her issue. The more I talk about this, the more I realize this issue is common for both men and women. I'm dumbfounded. And I'm concerned.

If I were to ask who initiates the interaction in a relationship, what would the answer be; Men or Women? OK, now if I were to ask to what percent? 50%, 60%, 70%, more? Got an answer? Are you sure? Don't bet on it.

Ninety percent of ALL interaction is initiated by women. 90%! That percentage holds true for birds, for bees, for you and all of nature. Even though we are fully autonomous, civilized, college educated, etc. We are still subject to the laws of nature.

Typical interaction: Female sees Male of Interest, she chooses to send signals of interest, male picks up those signals and flies across the barn, walks across the field or tries looking cool while approaching on the dance floor, and the interaction begins. (Men often get credit for the initiation because they are the ones who PHYSICALLY moved toward the female, but it was HER signals that started it.)

If there were only one rule to attraction I could express it's this: Women Choose.

What does this mean for Miss Marathon and numbers too big to ignore? It means control over "it" happening is in her hands. Focusing on fashion is fun, but secondary. Being "that kind of girl" isn't necessary. Just as lamenting no one is approaching is a waste of time and effort because you won't get back either. Realize your power and learn to use it. For good or bad is up to you. ;)

To my fellow boys I say: Learn what a female signal of interest is. And when you recognize one, move toward her. Birds do it without thinking twice.